Winter Fashion Crimes
As the weather cools off and Christmas draws nearer, many people bring out all the fashion crimes of the season from their closets. Whether it is double denim, ugly christmas sweaters, sandals with socks, or anything else in between, none of it should be haunting the streets like it is still Halloween.
In the mass of dysfunctional outfits, there is a way to stand out and be magnificent, a way to make double denim the vogue of this generation.
“Holidays are often fraught with anxiety about the financial drain of gift-giving and the copious amounts of family interaction. What better way to de-stress than to throw on an obnoxious sweater and have a laugh?” Newsfeed.time.com said.
This classy shebang of reindeers, bells, and lights surely makes a statement for this sweater, and when accompanied by fuzzy ear muffs it can really be one to keep someone warm.
But is it a fashion crime? Maybe not. The deer that has been carefully woven onto the surface of the cotton pullover could show the immense love of animals, or the adoration of unproportional story characters. The lights could be used to give a shining, glorious exterior to a commonly barricaded internal being. The snowflakes could show the true coldness of this dead season, or it may be a symbol of the fragility the human existence.
However, a ringing bell is the best way to draw immediate attention to oneself as they shimmy down the hallway, jingling all the way.
It is the epitome of confidence. One must show complete domination with shiny, dinging bells that dangle from the cotton-wove abomination.
This sweater shows yet another disgrace to the eyes of the living. With it’s horrific bears that dance around above the unintelligible objects that run across the front of the sweater like melted candy canes smeared across a red and green floor. The bears below it seem distant and out of place, as if they are falling into a never ending abyss of itchy cotton and the blood of their enemies.
These caroling snow people show no remorse for the ones who wish to sleep inside with cider and a good book undisturbed. The snow is blowing forcefully outside, one of them is bound to get a cold, and there is not even enough caroling books to go around. The poor snow people do not even see the ginormous snowflakes impending upon them.
A pitiful sight this one is, with its melancholy bow that dangles with woe. The plainness of the background draws all the more attention to the barely lit glimmer of the ribbon that twinkles like rudolph’s nose. The puffy white cotton will undoubtedly cause overheating to anyone within a thirty mile radius, and will make even the most petite person look like a chubby, sad lamb.
The grinch would come back to Whoville and take away all reminiscence of Christmas if he saw this obscenity before him. The Santa hat looks flat and unengaging, and the phrase “Naughty or nice” really makes one wonder. It is warped and thin, and could never come close to abolishing the immense chill that blows outside. This sweater would serve more good as Oscar the Grouch’s shower curtain than it could ever benefit one who respects true fashion.